What To Do When You Hold Back And Then Feel Anxious

What often happens to love addicts is that we tend to hold back quite a lot, especially in new or insecure relationships, out of fear of coming off too strong.

That might come from a deep seated feeling of shame that we are not good enough to be loved, and we have to exert a lot of control over the other person to love us.

The result is that we are not ourselves, and we also might push the other person away because of how much we calculate. As a result, we feel anxious, guilty, and mad at ourselves for not being ourselves, and frustrated because of how effortful it all is.

So what can we do?

The answer lies in a duality. We have to be comfortable with both vulnerability, and surrender.

Vulnerability is having the courage to let the other person know what is inside of us. How we truly feel about them. Are we madly in love with them? Being vulnerable means sharing that when the time is right, rather than holding back, feeling anxious, and hiding it because we think we don't deserve it.

Uncertainty is what drives passion. Closeness can only exist when there is separateness. When there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to seek. In an ironic way, passion and love can survive in one's life for as long as they are able to stay comfortable with uncertainty.

The very certainty and security we so seek to control and harness as love addicts is what chokes love and passion in our relationships, because true certainty does not exist. By cultivating a little bit of distance, and allowing the individuality of each person, we create space to seek connection.

Connection cannot be achieved between two people who are already enmeshed. It takes two separate individuals for a connection to be possible.

So by mixing vulnerability and surrender in our life, we can open up, be ourselves, and invite the other person in to join us in this freedom and happiness.

Practically, how can we do this?

We can achieve both by using the affirmation "I am okay" and "I let go of.".

Examples of vulnerability affirmations include "I am okay if I share my feelings with them, and that pushes them away" or "I am okay if I tell them I want them and they reject me". "I give them permission to reject me.".

Examples of surrender affirmations include "I let go of needing them to like me back" or "I let go of needing to have certainty in this relationship." or "I let go of needing to control the situation.".

Finally, the affirmation "I am okay the way I am with all of my flaws. I don't need to pretend, perform, hide, or try to hard. I can just relax and be myself.".

It is only when we are our free selves can we invite genuine connection into our lives with someone else.

Yours truly,

Michelle & Co.